Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

It is with a certain degree of sadness I am waking up this morning to accusations I bullied members of my team. Let me assure you, I have never and more importantly, don’t intend to bully any staff member. I know these accusations have been made anonymously, but I would like to know who, exactly, made these complaints. I have never shown the slightest inclination to harass any of my support staff. Not even Gerald, who God knows is asking for it. That inane smirk the man has, it’s ripe for a punching. Many’s the time I have been tempted to get him in a headlock and pummel away; but I am a professional and I have resisted. Oh, the days I have romanced the notion of flattening that little mushroom nose to a pulp, and then slapping him about until he struggles no more. But I has to show restraint. With my position comes responsibility and I have no wish for a replay of what happened at Beaulieu Motor Museum. Bullying is very serious. I take it very seriously. I am one person you will not ...

I would like to thank everyone who has been in touch over the past few weeks, the constituents, fellow MPs and the Police, about recent events. I would like to apologise to everyone concerned, those who were offended by the coverage in the media. I now accept that although I believe competitive events to be for the good, fighting at an old persons' bingo night is not acceptable. Especially the gentleman in the wheelchair. I was not aware that tazering electrified wheelchairs, and the memory of his smouldering in the corner is something I will not quickly forget. I also now fully accept it was not a wise political move to set my dogs on Mrs Arnage, and that those dogs were not the most suitable to take to a bingo night. Apart from these issues it was a delight to attend this local event.