Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

 Hello constituents! Once again I address you in my weekly update as to what I am doing in your community, for you, in Parliament. I write to you from The Canary islands, where myself and my researcher, Felicity, are on a fact find mission to discover whether exotic holidays are good for your health. Unfortunately, whilst engaged in this research, someone took it upon themselves to call the papers and, as you may have read, it’s lead to both embarrassment and humiliation for myself and Felicity. No parent should ever have to see pictures of their daughter in that situation, especially in a jacuzzi, but people will assume the worst. Let me tell you now, it was far from the worst. Holidays are vastly important to people. Almost every letter I get mentions holidays or taking time off in one way or another. I find, as I get older, I need time to concentrate on constituents’ issues, and to fully focus I need to get some distance from the issues. In Paris. Or Cairo. Or New York City....

 I was shocked at the resignation of Rex Bickers last week. As many of you know, Rex and I had been working on some projects together for the community. I had been attempting to widen the scope of the foodbanks, while Rex was concentrating his efforts on single mothers. Rex has decided to go back to his original career, making polish for door knobs. And I wish him and Bicker’s Polish good luck. I first met Rex at a party meeting in Salisbury. He was arguing with a protestor. Rex was very passionate about his beliefs, and I fondly stopping Rex kicking the young man before he lost consciousness. While the emergency services dealt with ‘the accident’ Rex and I went for a drink in the bar. Over the next six hours or so, we bonded as friends, and, despite starting from opposing views, by the time we were denied service we had aligned our opinions and views and decided to continue our meeting of minds in Hot Sal’s Sauna and Massage. It was shortly after that I met his lovely...