Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

 Good morning constituents and firstly I do hope you had an excellent 4 th of July. I myself spent it quietly with my family in another house. I am afraid Lady Browne-Envelope read some of the unwarranted accusations concerning ‘that massage’. I will address that now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a massage. Nothing filthy or degrading about it. A reputable Masseuse will see to all your needs, and should have you have needs which the Masseuse cannot fulfil because of training or experience, then it is perfectly natural she will call in another Masseuse who can carry out the instructions. Or in this particular case, three Masseuses. As to the quotes, yes, I may have made some comments which *could* have been misconstrued. Let me assure you, I have been a subscriber to the service provided at Damp Damsels Massage Parlour, and I was making reference to the length of my membership at the establishment and nothing more. Also, the word ‘throbbing’ related to a very stif...

  I would like to address… oh, hello constituents… I would like to address my comments about the access to the NHS which were reported in the press recently. I’ve received a lot of communication about it, much of which I have passed on to the local constabulary. Firstly, my comments about nurses. While the phrases quoted may well have demeaned the excellent work they do, this was not the intention. I would therefore like to offer a retraction and a donation to charity for ‘Sexy babes’, ‘stocking clad temptresses’, ‘uniformed dominatrix’ and, of course, the word ‘knockers’. I now accept these were wholly inappropriate. But there’s another matter, reported, which I would like to apologise for. Mrs Suzy Peglar, who was very kind to me at my recent visit to the local Hospital Lauren find out the name of the hospital which is very dear to my heart. What I meant was I was fascinated with human biology, and had I been allowed to finish the sentence, rather than cradle my bruised che...

  I would like to address some of the matters constituents have mentioned to me in the course of my recent MP Surgery. I would like to address, first, Ms Grainger of Dewbury Street who came to see me, anonymously, about the crime in the area. For too long people in this district have felt unable to go out due to the thugs, muggers, gangs and perverts. Indeed, my mailbag is literally bulging with letters of complaint about the issue. I haven’t actually opened any of them, but I am sure they are all of a similar nature. Let me start by saying the Police do not ‘waste their time’ as so many claim. I was speaking to the Chief Constable while we were playing Golf, and he denied any time was wasted. In fact, he called a meeting of all the officers in his force, and we hammered out these matters over four days. We were so pleased with the consultation, as a reward, we gave everyone the weekend off. Which was unfortunate timing, given Saturday night’s armed robbery. I appreciate so...