Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

  Good morning to my constituents. And may I say the hour I spent at St Gordon’s Jumble Sale was one of the most pleasant hours I have spent in a while. I do hope you raised a great deal for the hospital wing, and I am sorry I was very firm about my fee. This morning I would like to address the scandal regarding Mr Gosling. As you know, Mr Gosling has been in the papers recently after revelations. Let me be clear; I despise any act of sexual activity which hasn’t been consented to or paid for. Anything else is off the table. Or on the table if the money is right. The accusations are very flimsy, and we must not rush to judgement on them; after all, one of the main tenets of our country is a person is innocent until proven guilty. Yes, there are witnesses. Yes, there is audio. Yes, there are receipts, testimonies, CCTV and cellphone footage. But we must not jump to conclusions. I have known Peregrine for over twenty years, and only ever seen him act inappropriately when drunk o...

 Good morning to all my constituents, and thank you once again for your correspondence. Many of you have asked when my next surgery will be, and in answer I have to tell you I am unsure; at the moment we have mislaid the pin code for the door, and should we enter the wrong one, I am told the consequences would be too terrible to contemplate. I will be holding surgeries soon, have no fear. As you know I am working twenty four hours a day for our area; negotiating funds for those crossings, chasing up the plans for the new museum and, obviously making sure we are on schedule for out Winston Churchill Memorial Ski Slope. I met with the developers, Mr Joseph and Mr Meake, and they assured me all was going to plan, however, due to a banking error their accounts are currently frozen, and so the hundred million pounds set aside for the project was unavailable. This is absolutely awful news for the area and those employed in the development, for they shall surely be unable to afford t...

 Good morning constituents and firstly I do hope you had an excellent 4 th of July. I myself spent it quietly with my family in another house. I am afraid Lady Browne-Envelope read some of the unwarranted accusations concerning ‘that massage’. I will address that now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a massage. Nothing filthy or degrading about it. A reputable Masseuse will see to all your needs, and should have you have needs which the Masseuse cannot fulfil because of training or experience, then it is perfectly natural she will call in another Masseuse who can carry out the instructions. Or in this particular case, three Masseuses. As to the quotes, yes, I may have made some comments which *could* have been misconstrued. Let me assure you, I have been a subscriber to the service provided at Damp Damsels Massage Parlour, and I was making reference to the length of my membership at the establishment and nothing more. Also, the word ‘throbbing’ related to a very stif...

 Once again I think you all for your continued support. These have been understandably difficult times; I am, as ever, indebted to my wife, who has stood by me during the recent controversy. Of course, to avoid the constant eye of the press she is living elsewhere. I would also like to thank all my constituents, who have been very vocal in what I assume is their support. When I took the second job with the corporation in question, I was unaware of their business practices. WellSprings Biological Warfare Missiles limited never told me exactly what they did. Even on a visit to their premises as part of the negotiation, missiles were not implicitly mentioned, let alone biological warfare, and while it is true I did witness the 150 foot missiles in the distribution area, I did not have my glasses on and assumed they were just really big tubes of toothpaste. I have now resigned my position with them, though I feel obliged that I cannot, for legal reasons, withdraw from the paid...

  Thank you to my constituents for sticking with me during the recent issues. Now they have been resolved, and I am once again a free man, I would like to address some of the issues raised. I do feel I should address certain ‘incidents’ which may have been misrepresented. As to the matter of my alleged sexual impropriety. While it is true I known for my tactile method of management, I did not photograph my buttocks and send the results to younger members of staff. There is absolutely no proof those were my cheeks, and the alleged fact it came from my email cannot be constituted as proof. The accompanying text ‘get a load of these sexy buns!’ is not something I have ever or am likely to ever say. The mere coincidence I was seen with no trousers on, laughing at my desk while pressing send is simply that; as is the testimony that I was seen wiping down the photocopier the same afternoon. I would also like to apologise to my intern, Sian, who claimed I had wandered into her office...

It is with a certain degree of sadness I am waking up this morning to accusations I bullied members of my team. Let me assure you, I have never and more importantly, don’t intend to bully any staff member. I know these accusations have been made anonymously, but I would like to know who, exactly, made these complaints. I have never shown the slightest inclination to harass any of my support staff. Not even Gerald, who God knows is asking for it. That inane smirk the man has, it’s ripe for a punching. Many’s the time I have been tempted to get him in a headlock and pummel away; but I am a professional and I have resisted. Oh, the days I have romanced the notion of flattening that little mushroom nose to a pulp, and then slapping him about until he struggles no more. But I has to show restraint. With my position comes responsibility and I have no wish for a replay of what happened at Beaulieu Motor Museum. Bullying is very serious. I take it very seriously. I am one person you will not ...