Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

 Thank you once again to my constituents for the warm welcome I received at my recent surgery I held in the Village Hall. I appreciate some of you thought it was the monthly jumble sale, but those of you who did hang around I am grateful for your attendance. Especially Esmee, who I hope will be very happy with her purchases. Many of you asked about Doris Nadine, who has been absent from both the House and the local constituency for some considerable time. Let me assure you she is okay; she has been busy working on your behalf, fact finding what it is like to present a television programme, how it feels to write a column in a newspaper and, of course, her primary objective to discover, on your behalf, just how sunny it is in Marbella, Majorca, Trinidad, The Maldives, Turkey, Cyprus and Florida. And let me tell you, her findings may surprise you. I don’t think I am breaking any confidence when I tell you her report on such matters features the words ‘warm enough’ quite heavily. ...

 Hello constituents! Once again I address you in my weekly update as to what I am doing in your community, for you, in Parliament. I write to you from The Canary islands, where myself and my researcher, Felicity, are on a fact find mission to discover whether exotic holidays are good for your health. Unfortunately, whilst engaged in this research, someone took it upon themselves to call the papers and, as you may have read, it’s lead to both embarrassment and humiliation for myself and Felicity. No parent should ever have to see pictures of their daughter in that situation, especially in a jacuzzi, but people will assume the worst. Let me tell you now, it was far from the worst. Holidays are vastly important to people. Almost every letter I get mentions holidays or taking time off in one way or another. I find, as I get older, I need time to concentrate on constituents’ issues, and to fully focus I need to get some distance from the issues. In Paris. Or Cairo. Or New York City....