Missing MPs and the agenda of the Official Secrets Act

 Thank you once again to my constituents for the warm welcome I received at my recent surgery I held in the Village Hall. I appreciate some of you thought it was the monthly jumble sale, but those of you who did hang around I am grateful for your attendance. Especially Esmee, who I hope will be very happy with her purchases.

Many of you asked about Doris Nadine, who has been absent from both the House and the local constituency for some considerable time. Let me assure you she is okay; she has been busy working on your behalf, fact finding what it is like to present a television programme, how it feels to write a column in a newspaper and, of course, her primary objective to discover, on your behalf, just how sunny it is in Marbella, Majorca, Trinidad, The Maldives, Turkey, Cyprus and Florida. And let me tell you, her findings may surprise you. I don’t think I am breaking any confidence when I tell you her report on such matters features the words ‘warm enough’ quite heavily.

A few of you raised with me the ethicality of a person claiming salary and expenses whilst being absent from their job for no good reason. Let me assure you, Doris has been very much on the job, earning every penny of her MP salary, as have her family members who have been fortunate enough to work in her constituency office. The idea that all that public money is simply being funnelled into a Cayman Island account is sheer hypobole, as she herself told me when I bumped into her in Zurich.

You will find all her conclusions to this intense research will put paid to such cruel and unjust accusations, and they will be published as soon as possible, although the actual distribution of such paperwork may be delayed by the communist socialist lefty trotskyite marxist tofu eating woke civil service who beleaguer and delay any and all of our important work. They are simply trying to make the Government look bad, and we don’t need them. The sooner Government can rid itself of these belligerent ‘servants’ with their agendas and activist lawyer friends and employ Serco or Capita to carry out the vital work of this impressive apparatus of State, the better is my view.

For example, I went to see Rishi Sunak the other day, on a matter which is of no business of yours, and was stopped at the door by a Policeman who demanded – yes, demanded – to see my pass. Not having a pass I was denied entry by this low level skivvy. This is the kind of thing we are up against. A similar thing happened recently when I was meeting with Sergei Zarofocov and Vladmir Opiokifz. Despite the hostilities in other parts of the world, I think it’s important we maintain cordial and effective relationships with our Russian friends; after all, the war won’t last forever and there is business to be done, war or no. We were discussing defence strategies of our respective countries, and I was showing them our capabilities when in burst six of these so-called investigators and arrested the three of us under espionage laws. While they searched me I asked if they knew who I was. They said they knew exactly who I am and what I had been doing. Which to me is a tremendous admission that our staff, who claim to be busy, can find time to follow me around, bug my phones and devices and even plant microphones and cameras in rooms which I have been assured – by the same staff – are free from such things. They even took the fifty thousand pounds I had in that envelope. I will probably never see that again, the thieving prolls.

It is the same thing as recently, at a NATO summit, I was with Zupesh Myondogski. Zupesh was just photographing some notes I had brought along with me, when in rushed a SWAT team and arrested us both. Since when it is illegal for two old friends to share anecdotes which rely on the precise location, power, type and capability of our nuclear weapons facilities? Did they think I could relate amusing tales when those details are integral to the humour? Zupesh was simply so amused by my tales he said he had to get pictures for future dinner parties back in his native Russia, and fortunately I had the documentation with me to aide his social mobility in this arena. That SWAT team was obviously funded by Lefty Woke Radical Soros Funded elements of the international cabal, the globalists determined to keep a good man – me – down. They wouldn’t even let me keep the two hundred thousand pounds in used notes I had about me to buy souvenirs for my children.

It’s not only here that this sort of infiltration is happening. While at the White House recently, I got lost on my way to the President’s office, and found myself, unexpectedly in the war room. On the walls were comprehensive maps of the locations of all military and diplomatic tools. Such a thing you don’t see every day and I had just uploaded the pictures for my elderly aunt who is very interested in that sort of thing, what with living in Moscow she likes to stay in touch, when I was manhandled to the floor by far left radical agents and held at gun point for two days. If it had not been for the British Government showing the moral backbone to swap me for those four dissident journalists to stand trial, who knows what would have happened. I had learned my lesson though, and used Paypal.

My point is this; we, as your Government have some wonderful things. I mean, absolutely magnificent ideas. They are original and will change your lives for the better. I can’t tell you what they are, but we have plans and they will work. Alas, I can’t even show you the envelope the plans would be in, lest those Corbynite types work out the precise number of pages of the plan and steal them for their own gratification. No, our plans are definitely best.

But they can only work if we remove the things in the way. The Civil Servants, the Lawyers, the Objectors. Indeed, if we could just get rid of the Houses of Parliament and stop all this nonsense debating issues and just do things. What a waste of money that is! We could stop all that and give that £350m to the NHS instead, if we just rid ourselves of these impediments to the desire of our leaders. Every thing we try and do, seemingly, is ruined by some third party or other, thereby making your life harder, and making us seem like we don’t care. We do care. We care passionately about your life being unnecessarily hard. And we intend to act on it, bringing legislation forward to make if a criminal offence to find life hard. That should fix everything. And as the the Human Rights Act. Pah. I’m a human and I have never needed it. More like a Human Lefts Act, if you ask me.

I have to close now as Oleg, my friend from Swansea, has turned up with his entourage (it’s unwise to walk around with that much cash on you) to discuss and hopefully solve the issues we have with weaknesses in the British Naval Defence systems.

Toodle pip!