Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

  Good morning to my constituents. And may I say the hour I spent at St Gordon’s Jumble Sale was one of the most pleasant hours I have spent in a while. I do hope you raised a great deal for the hospital wing, and I am sorry I was very firm about my fee. This morning I would like to address the scandal regarding Mr Gosling. As you know, Mr Gosling has been in the papers recently after revelations. Let me be clear; I despise any act of sexual activity which hasn’t been consented to or paid for. Anything else is off the table. Or on the table if the money is right. The accusations are very flimsy, and we must not rush to judgement on them; after all, one of the main tenets of our country is a person is innocent until proven guilty. Yes, there are witnesses. Yes, there is audio. Yes, there are receipts, testimonies, CCTV and cellphone footage. But we must not jump to conclusions. I have known Peregrine for over twenty years, and only ever seen him act inappropriately when drunk o...

 Good morning to my constituents from the location of the Party Conference. It’s been a packed week up here, and I have been working very hard on your behalf. Things don’t just happen. And I have been working hard on things. And they will happen. Let me tell all of my day up here. 8am Breakfast in the hotel bar with the Secretary of State, where I put the case for investment in to the towns in a robust manner. In fact, talk about Dutch courage! I made so much sense I was asked to leave. Poor man thought I was after his job! 9am Meeting with John Berrol, one of the top businessmen in our constituency, in another hotel bar. We discussed the labour market, skills and needs of the local economy. I naturally asked him if it was true he was planning to close down his factory. His reply was such I can interpret it as a ‘no’, although it could be a yes. But I am going with ‘no’ simply because “**** off” can be taken several ways. We had reached a satisfactory conclusion and finish...

 I apologise for the lack of posting. This is due to a court proceeding concerning the possession of a lawn mower I have been accused of stealing from Graingers Garden Warehouse. I have of course denied all charges, but have been subject to a gagging order.