Party Conference

 Good morning to my constituents from the location of the Party Conference. It’s been a packed week up here, and I have been working very hard on your behalf. Things don’t just happen. And I have been working hard on things. And they will happen. Let me tell all of my day up here.

8am Breakfast in the hotel bar with the Secretary of State, where I put the case for investment in to the towns in a robust manner. In fact, talk about Dutch courage! I made so much sense I was asked to leave. Poor man thought I was after his job!

9am Meeting with John Berrol, one of the top businessmen in our constituency, in another hotel bar. We discussed the labour market, skills and needs of the local economy. I naturally asked him if it was true he was planning to close down his factory. His reply was such I can interpret it as a ‘no’, although it could be a yes. But I am going with ‘no’ simply because “**** off” can be taken several ways. We had reached a satisfactory conclusion and finished the remaining drinks in agreeable silence.

10:30 After paying my bill and being escorted to the exit by attentive staff, I was on my way to the Dissert Bar and Grill for a tete-a-tete with Brian Littleton. Brian as you know has been look into retail spaces in our area. He is also an expert on single malt and we had a fine time sampling all the wares of the premises – on your behalf – with him telling me the fascinating stories behind each and every one.

11:40 Brian and I am meeting a local man in an alley. The man is a businessman, and I admire that his ambition is not diminished by his lack of an official shop or premises. This allows him to be much more proactive with his customers. He can do business in the park, in the hotels, bars and clubs and even in the public toilets. And he is very flexible on price, although not to the point he is doing himself out of a profit. I admire this man, sample his wares – which were top grade I have to say – and Brian and I are on our way. This man has given me a few ideas for the constituency business leaders to mull over. Perhaps this is an operational model we can expand to our area!

12 and you find me still working on your behalf in the Lamb and Flag, fact finding for you into how fun karaoke actually is. Brian introduced me to two local businesspeople, Svetlana and Titania, and the four of us entered a discussion about working in the gig economy, and how much they thought they should be earning, compared to how much they actually did earn. Most of their work came through word of mouth. What a way to earn a living. I mentioned I intended to come down very hard indeed on that sort of thing, and they were delighted with this response.

135 – 4:15 Having an interest in how people live is a vital part of being an MP, and I am always interested in learning more about my constituents. Of course, I cannot do that in my constituency, that would cause all sorts of complications, so when Titania invited me back to her place I jumped at the chance. I would get to see how someone on a zero-hours contract lives first hand. And thus be better informed than many members of the house. I was shocked in the flat only consisted of a large bed and a number of bottles of spirits. So this is how people survive. It upset me so much Titania had to comfort me. Several times. When I eventually left, I felt so sorry for the poor girl I put three hundred pounds on the bedside table while she slept. Perhaps it will help her turn away from this tawdry life. It was the least I could do to someone who had been so kind to me.

4:25 back to the Lamb and Flag where Brian and Svetlana were dancing on a table. I firmly informed him this this establishment almost certainly lacked the necessary licences for such activity, but Brian called me a ‘boring old fart’. Determined not to be known as such, and with the reputation of my constituency resting burdensomely on my shoulders, I tore off my jacket and joined them. Sadly the tables there were not of the same quality as Wellworths in the High Street, and the table broke in two, scattering the three of us and our drinks across the floor. More proof that the products made locally are superior to almost any made elsewhere.

This research had been priceless, and I feel totally justified in putting the receipt in as expenses. After all, I had learned so much about people and business; the £13,000 seemed cheap for the benefits it would reap. Brian and I shared a small snifter to celebrate my new found connection with the working people of Britain.

Now, I am pretty sure Brian slipped something in my sixth drink because I can remember nothing after that. I did find some sequins in my undergarments and now have a tattoo on my left buttock reading ‘Portsmouth United’.

I found that the Conference had ended two days ago. So not only did I gain valuable insight into ordinary life outside Westminster, I had gone above and beyond (and in one case inside) in my duties fact finding for my local party and voters

And that is why you should vote for me.

And now if you excuse me, the local paper is on the phone...