Constituency Work and the Modern MP

 Good morning to all my constituents, and thank you once again for your correspondence. Many of you have asked when my next surgery will be, and in answer I have to tell you I am unsure; at the moment we have mislaid the pin code for the door, and should we enter the wrong one, I am told the consequences would be too terrible to contemplate. I will be holding surgeries soon, have no fear.

As you know I am working twenty four hours a day for our area; negotiating funds for those crossings, chasing up the plans for the new museum and, obviously making sure we are on schedule for out Winston Churchill Memorial Ski Slope. I met with the developers, Mr Joseph and Mr Meake, and they assured me all was going to plan, however, due to a banking error their accounts are currently frozen, and so the hundred million pounds set aside for the project was unavailable. This is absolutely awful news for the area and those employed in the development, for they shall surely be unable to afford to work. But such is my belief in the scheme, I got the money from the treasury, in used notes as requested, and put it in a large suitcase for these fine businessmen to continue with our noble cause.I understand they are in Argentina at the moment talking to architects. In fact, they are doing a series of models.

I recently visited the St Crispin’s foodbank, as part of my manifesto promise to understand how life is when you are under extreme financial pressure. Myself, my two advisors and my bodyguard were made to feel very welcome. A finer bunch of people you could not imagine, they run that place with a dignity we should all be proud of. Of course, I didn’t get to meet any actual users because of security concerns, but the whole experience was eye opening and let me tell you that donated food was delicious. Even my chauffeur commented on the quality. Doggy bags all around!

Of course, the foodbank is just part of St Crispins’ work, and a large portion of the building is given over to the homeless. In these times, it is vital we help those without a safe place to lay their heads, and I was shown around the dormitories. Once again, we had to remove some of the occupants over certain worries, but the whole thing gave me pause for thought. What harsh conditions these poor people must endure. No ensuite, no HD Television, no eighteenth century chaise longue to rest one’s weary feet. It was shocking that in the twenty first century poverty should be so manifest, and I said as much in the cocktail luncheon in the main hall. “Have you ever thought of funding these facilities and helping people?” came the response. I will certainly bring that idea up in Parliament when I am next there.

On Thursday I was honoured to open the new Jammie’s Hi Fi Excellence on the High Street. I have known ‘Jammie’ for several years, and he is a fine man. Rehabilitated and now legally able to talk to women, he is an example our penal system should use. When I mentioned this in my speech, he didn’t seem too pleased, and promptly vanished when the protestors turned up. Although I cut the ribbon, the store doors remained stoutly locked, Jammie having the only key. I became and still am concerned for his whereabouts and safety. The one thing which helps the authorities is the ankle monitor he was wearing. I am sure he will turn up soon.

Friday I was proud to meet local writer Jonathan Metcalfe. Jonathan has some fine mystery novels under his belt. His ingenious plots and narratives really capture the imagination, the latest for instance, is a thrilling tale full of twists and turns, mayhem and murder. And who would have thought the Au Pair would be the killer, hiding the poison in a pot of mustard! A thrilling read. This rainy and cold day, Jonathan was there to champion funding to save the local library. We entered the premises, which as usual we had had cleared of the public on Police advice. I said “I cannot see how we can fund this, there’s no one in here” to which he replied that what with the pub and the social club closing the library was the last place for all the older members of the community to meet. I pointed out that that still didn’t reason why the place was empty and was directed to a window where I could view the patrons. I saw nothing except an ambulance tending to a collapsed gentleman in the downpour, and others gathered around. Soaked, wet and cold. If they would rather be out there than in here, perhaps this place is really surplus to requirements, I suggested. Before Mr Metcalfe could argue, my guard pulled out his firearm and ordered him to ‘shut it you slag’. I ordered him not to act with such disrespect, bur to no avail. Thank the Lord our excellent Ambulance service were already on site to tend to that flesh wound. They make me proud. Unlike Mr Metcalfe who is obviously a communist and to be avoided.

As the summer approaches and Parliament goes into recess, I shall be spending time with my family. Elaine, Mortimer, Alexis and Voltaire need my time too. But I am here for my constituents 24/7, between 10-12pm on Thursdays.