Local Hospital Visit

 

I would like to address… oh, hello constituents… I would like to address my comments about the access to the NHS which were reported in the press recently. I’ve received a lot of communication about it, much of which I have passed on to the local constabulary.

Firstly, my comments about nurses. While the phrases quoted may well have demeaned the excellent work they do, this was not the intention. I would therefore like to offer a retraction and a donation to charity for ‘Sexy babes’, ‘stocking clad temptresses’, ‘uniformed dominatrix’ and, of course, the word ‘knockers’. I now accept these were wholly inappropriate.

But there’s another matter, reported, which I would like to apologise for. Mrs Suzy Peglar, who was very kind to me at my recent visit to the local Hospital Lauren find out the name of the hospital which is very dear to my heart. What I meant was I was fascinated with human biology, and had I been allowed to finish the sentence, rather than cradle my bruised cheek, I would have mentioned that I had some questions, didn’t want to use a consultation room and also didn’t want to expose my ignorance in certain physiological matters. I worded my request wrongly; I am sorry I may have overstepped the mark by asking you to attend a special anatomy seminar in a broom closet.

I also want to apologise to some of the foreign workers who may have been offended by my anti-foreigner rhetoric. On reflection, I would still like to round you all up, but this time for a friendly drink, and after we have enjoyed our beverages, we all go home. To our houses. In Britain.

Now onto the matter of the services provided; while I feel that I was justified in saying that the NHS currently has a great many people on waiting lists who, in many ways, do not need to be there, I would like to correct my proposition that fat people, poor people, old people, women and men with things up their bottoms should all be entitled to treatment and not be charged for attending hospital. On reflection, such people should not be simply ‘strangled’. They should be treated as well as anyone else, no matter how bad the difficulty in sitting down. And not charged. Although my point about the hospital raising much needed funds by selling the story to the papers still has some merit.

I would also like to apologise to Ms Gwen Foley, who was a patient I visited as part of my photocall. My repulsion at her condition was actually indigestion, which struck just as she detailed the symptoms and procedures she was having done. I would also like to apologise to the Hospital, the cleaners and the people who do the patient laundry. I reiterate my sincere sorrow for my regurgitation, esp to Ms Foley who will now have to have her hair re-done.

Apart from the above issues, my visit to the hospital was an experience with some of the finest people in the world, and the exercise I got at the end of my attendance was both inclusive and refreshing. It may have appeared otherwise, but it was not that patients and staff were chasing me off the premises.