Presidential Visit, Jumble Sale and Legislation

 Good morning constituents and firstly I do hope you had an excellent 4^th of July. I myself spent it quietly with my family in another house. I am afraid Lady Browne-Envelope read some of the unwarranted accusations concerning ‘that massage’. I will address that now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a massage. Nothing filthy or degrading about it. A reputable Masseuse will see to all your needs, and should have you have needs which the Masseuse cannot fulfil because of training or experience, then it is perfectly natural she will call in another Masseuse who can carry out the instructions. Or in this particular case, three Masseuses. As to the quotes, yes, I may have made some comments which *could* have been misconstrued. Let me assure you, I have been a subscriber to the service provided at Damp Damsels Massage Parlour, and I was making reference to the length of my membership at the establishment and nothing more. Also, the word ‘throbbing’ related to a very stiff muscle. Subject closed, and I hope my darling wife reads this. Wherever she is.

Onto my MP duties. Firstly, can I say what an honour it was to meet the President of the United States, who I am only now told, is not named Mr Flintstone. This error was down to a rather mischievous boyfriend of an intern (now sacked). I also recognise we should have played the National Anthem of the U.S., and not the theme from Starsky and Hutch. Fortunately the President saw the funny side, eventually, and withdrew the suggestion about missiles.

The jumble sale at St Anthony’s was a tremendous success, soured only by the presence of stolen goods and the Police raid. I apologise to Mrs Arbuthnot who I pointed out as the culprit. I visited her just the other day, and let me assure you she is delighted with her new accommodation and is even making new friends. As I have stated before, a crime is a crime, and those responsible simply have to be punished. 97 or not, villains have to be made an example of. And yes, she may well not live out her sentence but what price justice? If we are going to tackle crime in the area and the nation, we need to – and I borrow a phrase from the story which so enraged my spouse – come down hard on them.

Entirely unrelated contact my office if you are looking for a 78” LCD television, two racing bikes, a playstation or a Ford Fiesta please let me know. We’ve been having a clearout in my office and it’s simply amazing the sort of thing you find. There’s also some assorted jewellery and a walking frame. Oh, and some false teeth. If any of that interests you please contact Elspeth on the usual number. Cash only.

Thank you also for the feedback on my personal crusade, the legislation of which is going through the House at this time. The ‘Being Sarcastic To Zoo Animals’ Act passed it’s third reading and will not ascend to the Lords. Many people have said that there are far more important matters to attend to in our great nation than the occasional jibe at a primate. For is it not how all crime starts? Friendly joshing at a dolphin can escalate to robbing a Nat West? I’ve seen it happen in my own constituency. A local man, who I will refer to by his first name, Remilliano, once made a satirical jibe at a leopard. Well, Remilliano lived to regret that and just 37 years later was jailed for forging a postage stamp. This sort of thing needs to be tackled early. This legislation will ensure microphones and cameras capture any and all interactions, with on-site Police Officers ready to pounce on transgressors. I would wager against the doubters that this will deter would be criminals and we should see a decrease in local crime within 3 generations. Now, a few people have asked me why the Police are engaged in this rather than murders and burglaries and the answer is simple; if we do not master combatting small crimes how can we ever hope to solve the big ones?

And while we are on the subject of Big Ones, I’d like to thank Josalyn for her diligent work in my office for the past two years. She has been invaluable, and has given me welcome perspective on the female point of view concerning policies, local issues and office banter. Particularly the office banter. In fact, our recent conference, done in a neutral environment of the Premier Inn, Maidenhead, gave me a tremendous incite into what women want, and what men can do to give it to them. I am aware there have been rumours, but our relationship has been nothing but professional. Once again, a good man is vilified simply because his younger companion and employee makes entirely unfounded claims, backed up merely by witnesses, CCTV and covert recording. I was merely suggesting we adjourn from the busy bar and conference area to my hotel room for a whiskey from the minibar when I suggested ‘coming up to my room for a stiff one’. And as for the terminology employed in the letter of complaint, words such as ‘lecherous’, ‘slimy’ and ‘octopus’, these slurs will be examined by my lawyer. My other female employee, Elspeth, has had no such issues with myself or my behaviour. Although to be fair she is 61 and smells very strongly of tuna.