Crime in the local area

 

I would like to address some of the matters constituents have mentioned to me in the course of my recent MP Surgery.

I would like to address, first, Ms Grainger of Dewbury Street who came to see me, anonymously, about the crime in the area. For too long people in this district have felt unable to go out due to the thugs, muggers, gangs and perverts. Indeed, my mailbag is literally bulging with letters of complaint about the issue. I haven’t actually opened any of them, but I am sure they are all of a similar nature.

Let me start by saying the Police do not ‘waste their time’ as so many claim. I was speaking to the Chief Constable while we were playing Golf, and he denied any time was wasted. In fact, he called a meeting of all the officers in his force, and we hammered out these matters over four days. We were so pleased with the consultation, as a reward, we gave everyone the weekend off. Which was unfortunate timing, given Saturday night’s armed robbery.

I appreciate some say it did take a little while for a Police response, but I assure you they were there first thing Wednesday. If there is one thing the Police do not care for, it’s crime.

Recently, a constituent came to me and told me he had been burgled. The miscreants had taken all his wifes’ jewellery and his prize collection of Playboy magazines, dating back decades. Obviously I had questions; had the Police attended? Did he see the faces of the intruders? Did he have the Goldie Hawn centrefold issue?

As an MP there was not much I could do; if they had taken that particular issue then it was probably too late to do anything about it. What about scans? Pictures for insurance? Did he have a smaller picture in his wallet or on his phone? The answer was, tragically, no.

And so, on my constituent’s behalf I contacted the Chief Constable and told him of my constituents’ plight. He was very understanding and straight away asked the sort of questions which validated my faith in the service ‘Did he have the one with Anna Nichol Smith?’ he probed. ‘Yes, he had every single issue’.

Within minutes of my call ending there was a taskforce assembled. Police men from all over the area flocked to solve this most perplexing conundrum. Day and night they worked, some unpaid, to solve this case. CID got involved. Although one local female Police officer labelled the whole investigation ‘pathetic’, but she was considered just bitter as she had been assigned to riot control.

The Police did manage to get the magazines back; a few words in friendly ears gave them leads they followed up. That’s how Police work is done. But there was no proof these particular 736 copies were the same as the 736 stolen from the property, and thus they remain in the evidence locker, safely locked away for when the rightful owner of the 512 editions of that publications step forward. Let us hope for a happy ending.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Constituency Work and the Modern MP

 Good morning to all my constituents, and thank you once again for your correspondence. Many of you have asked when my next surgery will be, and in answer I have to tell you I am unsure; at the moment we have mislaid the pin code for the door, and should we enter the wrong one, I am told the consequences would be too terrible to contemplate. I will be holding surgeries soon, have no fear. As you know I am working twenty four hours a day for our area; negotiating funds for those crossings, chasing up the plans for the new museum and, obviously making sure we are on schedule for out Winston Churchill Memorial Ski Slope. I met with the developers, Mr Joseph and Mr Meake, and they assured me all was going to plan, however, due to a banking error their accounts are currently frozen, and so the hundred million pounds set aside for the project was unavailable. This is absolutely awful news for the area and those employed in the development, for they shall surely be unable to afford t...
Read more

Local Hospital Visit

  I would like to address… oh, hello constituents… I would like to address my comments about the access to the NHS which were reported in the press recently. I’ve received a lot of communication about it, much of which I have passed on to the local constabulary. Firstly, my comments about nurses. While the phrases quoted may well have demeaned the excellent work they do, this was not the intention. I would therefore like to offer a retraction and a donation to charity for ‘Sexy babes’, ‘stocking clad temptresses’, ‘uniformed dominatrix’ and, of course, the word ‘knockers’. I now accept these were wholly inappropriate. But there’s another matter, reported, which I would like to apologise for. Mrs Suzy Peglar, who was very kind to me at my recent visit to the local Hospital Lauren find out the name of the hospital which is very dear to my heart. What I meant was I was fascinated with human biology, and had I been allowed to finish the sentence, rather than cradle my bruised che...
Read more

Bullying Accusations

It is with a certain degree of sadness I am waking up this morning to accusations I bullied members of my team. Let me assure you, I have never and more importantly, don’t intend to bully any staff member. I know these accusations have been made anonymously, but I would like to know who, exactly, made these complaints. I have never shown the slightest inclination to harass any of my support staff. Not even Gerald, who God knows is asking for it. That inane smirk the man has, it’s ripe for a punching. Many’s the time I have been tempted to get him in a headlock and pummel away; but I am a professional and I have resisted. Oh, the days I have romanced the notion of flattening that little mushroom nose to a pulp, and then slapping him about until he struggles no more. But I has to show restraint. With my position comes responsibility and I have no wish for a replay of what happened at Beaulieu Motor Museum. Bullying is very serious. I take it very seriously. I am one person you will not ...
Read more