Election to office

Firstly, I would like to thank my election team, my assistant, my assistants' assistant and all their assistants for their help with my campaign. They have all been wonderful to work with, as has my wife Natalie and my Mistress Ms Dominator. They really put their backs into this election, and Ms Dominator actually put her back out, which allowed me more time on the campaign trail, so thank you to her. I would like also to thank my opponant, Frank Dowe, Laura Snichel, Richard Trite and Garry Jones for running campaigns that were not only well managed but a challenge to overcome. But overcome it I and my team did. And it is with that I say suck it up, losers. I would also like to pay particular tribute to my most vocal opponent in this election, Liam Stringer, whose passing in that freak indoor hanglider electrocution shooting we still puzzle over. I know several of the local constabulary are looking into the exact circumstances, but I am sure it will resolve within three to four working days. To some people Mr Stringer was an inspiration. He certainly inspired me. And although we didn't agree on everything, particularly towards the end, his death saddened me deeply, even though I was provably three hundred miles away with witnesses at the exact time of death. Laura Snichel also put up a brave campaign. Many of her policies about giving people more exposure to green spaces is something I too wish to enact. Some will accuse me of stealing her ideas, but this could not be further from the truth. She proposed more green spaces be available for people to visit, I am proposing more people live in the green spaces. This can only be a healthy negotiated settlement to this issue. Freeing up houses for first time purchasers, whilst getting those who do not appreciate the beauty of nature to spend more time surrounded by it. One of the issues many people raised with me was rubbish collection. I don't need to tell you here tonight that no one wants to collect rubbish. But even fewer people want to live in an area bestrewn with detritis. Some will say my time as the head of Rubbish Collection saw the end of collections. I want to tell you I did not stop rubbish collections. I merely sold off the lorries with which the collections had been done; this did not mean the end of collections in itself, My newly hired team of local pensioners were instructed to do it by hand, and, using their efforts, they have collected the rubbish of three houses in just eight months. At this rate our town should be clear of rubbish by 2874. That's a real target I can be held to, should I fail to meet it. Several people have mentioned a couple of the employees seemed to be sleeping on the job. I can tell you catagorically these people were not sleeping, they were dead. Now I know how dimly some of you take being dead at work. It is something on my radar I will be looking into. But the bonus is this; these people were collecting rubbish for less than minimum wage. They were trying to make their town a cleaner place, and we salute them for that.For them to literally throw themselves into their work is something we need to encourage. This work ethos, where these valiant community members have chosen to become both the solution and the problem, is a quality which makes this country what it is today. Adnwe should encourage more of our fellow dwellers to show similar acts of compassion. Many have said a few unkind things about me, in the papers, on the radio, on the television and in court. I would like to dispell a few of those rumours. and I will, once my legal advisors have agreed appropriate wording. But for now I am asking you to believe me, and disgard the words of those women, business associates, pension scam victims, pyramid scheme investors and those recovering from the alleged pollution a company I may or may not have had substantial financial interest in caused. I would ask you not pay heed to those documents, photographs, recordings or witnesses and allow me to do my job and my legal team to mediate in these matters. I shall, of course, be posting here regularly on local issues, and should you feel a local issue would benefit from my input, please feel free to call me on my office number. Calls are £3 a minute plus your operator rate which goes to the Browne-Envelope Trust, a worthy charity which I set up in memory of my still missing business partner, Cliff Peng.