Recent Events in my Political Life

 

Thank you to my constituents for sticking with me during the recent issues. Now they have been resolved, and I am once again a free man, I would like to address some of the issues raised. I do feel I should address certain ‘incidents’ which may have been misrepresented.

As to the matter of my alleged sexual impropriety. While it is true I known for my tactile method of management, I did not photograph my buttocks and send the results to younger members of staff. There is absolutely no proof those were my cheeks, and the alleged fact it came from my email cannot be constituted as proof. The accompanying text ‘get a load of these sexy buns!’ is not something I have ever or am likely to ever say. The mere coincidence I was seen with no trousers on, laughing at my desk while pressing send is simply that; as is the testimony that I was seen wiping down the photocopier the same afternoon.

I would also like to apologise to my intern, Sian, who claimed I had wandered into her office naked shouting ‘is this big enough for you?’. The circumstances were badly portrayed in the trial. I had returned from the swimming pool at the adjoining leisure centre; whilst changing into my business attire, I remembered I had given Sian a new office of her own to work in. Being conscious of my staff and their happiness, I merely wanted to verify she was happy with the new locale, and had rushed to check before busying myself with matters of State. That is all it was. And references made by the accuser of ‘helicopters’ was merely me, multitasking a drying technique I had read about on the Internet.

As to the accusations of staff in the Bradford Marriott about my behaviour to cleaning staff, waiting personnel and other patrons these events were part of my ‘nothing to hide’ campaign. As I have stated on many occasions, if a person has nothing to conceal then that person should be open to any and all scrutiny, and the metaphor for this was drinking in the lounge bar in a state of undress. Not only did I feel this underlined my credibility as a Parliamentary representative, it also served as a message that I very much very little to hide, as several people pointed out. That I should be castigated in the public arena for merely displaying my absolute rectitude is a symptom of a broken society.

As to the so-called ‘gang bang’, this was nothing to do with me. I had returned to my hotel suite and discovered several of my staff involved in an emotional discussion about the direction I was taking the local party. When I suggested we have a Organisational Realignment Going Yonder, using the unfortunate acronym, I was totally misunderstood. So determined was I to discuss this clarification of the parties’ position, I didn’t realise removing my trousers due to a gravy stain gave entirely the wrong impression. I was keen to hear ideas, which is why I asked Sian to ‘get them out’. I was talking about any ideas she had to improve the situation. Two other members of staff floated the idea that I was out of line; as did the attending officers. I apologise to my now former staff for any and all misunderstanding that has occurred. Lessons have been learned.