Difficult Times.

 Once again I think you all for your continued support. These have been understandably difficult times; I am, as ever, indebted to my wife, who has stood by me during the recent controversy. Of course, to avoid the constant eye of the press she is living elsewhere. I would also like to thank all my constituents, who have been very vocal in what I assume is their support.

When I took the second job with the corporation in question, I was unaware of their business practices. WellSprings Biological Warfare Missiles limited never told me exactly what they did. Even on a visit to their premises as part of the negotiation, missiles were not implicitly mentioned, let alone biological warfare, and while it is true I did witness the 150 foot missiles in the distribution area, I did not have my glasses on and assumed they were just really big tubes of toothpaste.

I have now resigned my position with them, though I feel obliged that I cannot, for legal reasons, withdraw from the paid directorship, executive officer positions and the share options. I have consulted with some of the finest legal minds and they have told me these things are water tight. I cannot escape, even if I wanted to. I will however donate whatever is left after tax, dispersal, expenses, charges and sundry costs to a charity. The Sir Henry Browne-Envelope Trust, of which I am treasurer, would be ideal as I can then monitor how those sums are spent.

Speaking of which I was at The Sir Henry Browne-Envelope Trust celebrity dinner last week and who did we have performing? None other than Sir Elton John! And yours truly got to introduce him to the 500 strong audience! I wasn’t aware he was gay. But apparently my introductory joke went down the wrong way and I would like to apologise to Mr John for any offence caused. I mean, that man can hold a tune and pack a punch, although he did prove one more than the other. I would also like him to reconsider his legal action. We’re a small charity, we cannot afford the legal fees. Have mercy and some consideration of what we do for the community. It’s vital work, and I never cease in my dedication to the cause with the intention that one day society will not need our services. I can dream; but with your donations we can make it a reality.