Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

 I was shocked at the resignation of Rex Bickers last week. As many of you know, Rex and I had been working on some projects together for the community. I had been attempting to widen the scope of the foodbanks, while Rex was concentrating his efforts on single mothers. Rex has decided to go back to his original career, making polish for door knobs. And I wish him and Bicker’s Polish good luck. I first met Rex at a party meeting in Salisbury. He was arguing with a protestor. Rex was very passionate about his beliefs, and I fondly stopping Rex kicking the young man before he lost consciousness. While the emergency services dealt with ‘the accident’ Rex and I went for a drink in the bar. Over the next six hours or so, we bonded as friends, and, despite starting from opposing views, by the time we were denied service we had aligned our opinions and views and decided to continue our meeting of minds in Hot Sal’s Sauna and Massage. It was shortly after that I met his lovely...

 Good morning to all my constituents, and thank you once again for your correspondence. Many of you have asked when my next surgery will be, and in answer I have to tell you I am unsure; at the moment we have mislaid the pin code for the door, and should we enter the wrong one, I am told the consequences would be too terrible to contemplate. I will be holding surgeries soon, have no fear. As you know I am working twenty four hours a day for our area; negotiating funds for those crossings, chasing up the plans for the new museum and, obviously making sure we are on schedule for out Winston Churchill Memorial Ski Slope. I met with the developers, Mr Joseph and Mr Meake, and they assured me all was going to plan, however, due to a banking error their accounts are currently frozen, and so the hundred million pounds set aside for the project was unavailable. This is absolutely awful news for the area and those employed in the development, for they shall surely be unable to afford t...

 Good morning constituents and firstly I do hope you had an excellent 4 th of July. I myself spent it quietly with my family in another house. I am afraid Lady Browne-Envelope read some of the unwarranted accusations concerning ‘that massage’. I will address that now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a massage. Nothing filthy or degrading about it. A reputable Masseuse will see to all your needs, and should have you have needs which the Masseuse cannot fulfil because of training or experience, then it is perfectly natural she will call in another Masseuse who can carry out the instructions. Or in this particular case, three Masseuses. As to the quotes, yes, I may have made some comments which *could* have been misconstrued. Let me assure you, I have been a subscriber to the service provided at Damp Damsels Massage Parlour, and I was making reference to the length of my membership at the establishment and nothing more. Also, the word ‘throbbing’ related to a very stif...

  I would like to address… oh, hello constituents… I would like to address my comments about the access to the NHS which were reported in the press recently. I’ve received a lot of communication about it, much of which I have passed on to the local constabulary. Firstly, my comments about nurses. While the phrases quoted may well have demeaned the excellent work they do, this was not the intention. I would therefore like to offer a retraction and a donation to charity for ‘Sexy babes’, ‘stocking clad temptresses’, ‘uniformed dominatrix’ and, of course, the word ‘knockers’. I now accept these were wholly inappropriate. But there’s another matter, reported, which I would like to apologise for. Mrs Suzy Peglar, who was very kind to me at my recent visit to the local Hospital Lauren find out the name of the hospital which is very dear to my heart. What I meant was I was fascinated with human biology, and had I been allowed to finish the sentence, rather than cradle my bruised che...