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Accusations and hints.

  Good morning to my constituents. And may I say the hour I spent at St Gordon’s Jumble Sale was one of the most pleasant hours I have spent in a while. I do hope you raised a great deal for the hospital wing, and I am sorry I was very firm about my fee. This morning I would like to address the scandal regarding Mr Gosling. As you know, Mr Gosling has been in the papers recently after revelations. Let me be clear; I despise any act of sexual activity which hasn’t been consented to or paid for. Anything else is off the table. Or on the table if the money is right. The accusations are very flimsy, and we must not rush to judgement on them; after all, one of the main tenets of our country is a person is innocent until proven guilty. Yes, there are witnesses. Yes, there is audio. Yes, there are receipts, testimonies, CCTV and cellphone footage. But we must not jump to conclusions. I have known Peregrine for over twenty years, and only ever seen him act inappropriately when drunk o...
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Party Conference

 Good morning to my constituents from the location of the Party Conference. It’s been a packed week up here, and I have been working very hard on your behalf. Things don’t just happen. And I have been working hard on things. And they will happen. Let me tell all of my day up here. 8am Breakfast in the hotel bar with the Secretary of State, where I put the case for investment in to the towns in a robust manner. In fact, talk about Dutch courage! I made so much sense I was asked to leave. Poor man thought I was after his job! 9am Meeting with John Berrol, one of the top businessmen in our constituency, in another hotel bar. We discussed the labour market, skills and needs of the local economy. I naturally asked him if it was true he was planning to close down his factory. His reply was such I can interpret it as a ‘no’, although it could be a yes. But I am going with ‘no’ simply because “**** off” can be taken several ways. We had reached a satisfactory conclusion and finish...
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Subjudacy

 I apologise for the lack of posting. This is due to a court proceeding concerning the possession of a lawn mower I have been accused of stealing from Graingers Garden Warehouse. I have of course denied all charges, but have been subject to a gagging order.
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This Government is always working for you

 Good morning to all my constituents this fine, sunny morning. I would like to firstly address the rumor put about by my opponents that my party, and particularly myself, have been taking credit for things over which we have little to no control. Firstly, we were the first people to congratulate India on their recent Moon mission. Whilst I fully accept offering plaudits is completely different from actual involvement in the project, it was appreciated and therefore clearly elevates our involvement to one of near immersion in this historic event. We also have a number of trained astronauts, capable of at least conquering this frontier. This clearly puts us into the pilot’s seat of the project. I well remember my honourable friend pointing at the Moon in a restaurant in Derby, thereby providing valuable navigation, plus all the figures on the dials and computer readouts were in English, so it really is a British success story. Then there was the Womens’ World Cup. As you know...
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Missing MPs and the agenda of the Official Secrets Act

 Thank you once again to my constituents for the warm welcome I received at my recent surgery I held in the Village Hall. I appreciate some of you thought it was the monthly jumble sale, but those of you who did hang around I am grateful for your attendance. Especially Esmee, who I hope will be very happy with her purchases. Many of you asked about Doris Nadine, who has been absent from both the House and the local constituency for some considerable time. Let me assure you she is okay; she has been busy working on your behalf, fact finding what it is like to present a television programme, how it feels to write a column in a newspaper and, of course, her primary objective to discover, on your behalf, just how sunny it is in Marbella, Majorca, Trinidad, The Maldives, Turkey, Cyprus and Florida. And let me tell you, her findings may surprise you. I don’t think I am breaking any confidence when I tell you her report on such matters features the words ‘warm enough’ quite heavily. ...
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Working holidays - there's no rest for an MP

 Hello constituents! Once again I address you in my weekly update as to what I am doing in your community, for you, in Parliament. I write to you from The Canary islands, where myself and my researcher, Felicity, are on a fact find mission to discover whether exotic holidays are good for your health. Unfortunately, whilst engaged in this research, someone took it upon themselves to call the papers and, as you may have read, it’s lead to both embarrassment and humiliation for myself and Felicity. No parent should ever have to see pictures of their daughter in that situation, especially in a jacuzzi, but people will assume the worst. Let me tell you now, it was far from the worst. Holidays are vastly important to people. Almost every letter I get mentions holidays or taking time off in one way or another. I find, as I get older, I need time to concentrate on constituents’ issues, and to fully focus I need to get some distance from the issues. In Paris. Or Cairo. Or New York City....
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Resignation of Rex Bickers

 I was shocked at the resignation of Rex Bickers last week. As many of you know, Rex and I had been working on some projects together for the community. I had been attempting to widen the scope of the foodbanks, while Rex was concentrating his efforts on single mothers. Rex has decided to go back to his original career, making polish for door knobs. And I wish him and Bicker’s Polish good luck. I first met Rex at a party meeting in Salisbury. He was arguing with a protestor. Rex was very passionate about his beliefs, and I fondly stopping Rex kicking the young man before he lost consciousness. While the emergency services dealt with ‘the accident’ Rex and I went for a drink in the bar. Over the next six hours or so, we bonded as friends, and, despite starting from opposing views, by the time we were denied service we had aligned our opinions and views and decided to continue our meeting of minds in Hot Sal’s Sauna and Massage. It was shortly after that I met his lovely...
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