Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

  I would like to address some of the matters constituents have mentioned to me in the course of my recent MP Surgery. I would like to address, first, Ms Grainger of Dewbury Street who came to see me, anonymously, about the crime in the area. For too long people in this district have felt unable to go out due to the thugs, muggers, gangs and perverts. Indeed, my mailbag is literally bulging with letters of complaint about the issue. I haven’t actually opened any of them, but I am sure they are all of a similar nature. Let me start by saying the Police do not ‘waste their time’ as so many claim. I was speaking to the Chief Constable while we were playing Golf, and he denied any time was wasted. In fact, he called a meeting of all the officers in his force, and we hammered out these matters over four days. We were so pleased with the consultation, as a reward, we gave everyone the weekend off. Which was unfortunate timing, given Saturday night’s armed robbery. I appreciate so...

  I would thank you all once again for your continued support; I am aware some of my recent campaigns have been less than popular; I would like to thank Chorten Riot Police for handling those complaints. The Chorton bypass is a project which is close to my heart. Bridging Naughton and Wallop with one road will reduce congestion and aid businesses with both customer attendance and delivery logistics. I would like to think my comments at the planning meeting were constructive. However, certain parties with a grudge have decided that discussions between our twelve man and one woman board can be leaked to media. This is unacceptable. I am not going to name the person, I am above petty acts of revenge or malice, but I would advise she stops immediately. I did not, at any time, suggest knocking down the childrens home. Nor did I consider they all be assigned to work in a garment factory I have an interest in. I merely said that the property the youngsters are in is not fit for pu...

 Once again I think you all for your continued support. These have been understandably difficult times; I am, as ever, indebted to my wife, who has stood by me during the recent controversy. Of course, to avoid the constant eye of the press she is living elsewhere. I would also like to thank all my constituents, who have been very vocal in what I assume is their support. When I took the second job with the corporation in question, I was unaware of their business practices. WellSprings Biological Warfare Missiles limited never told me exactly what they did. Even on a visit to their premises as part of the negotiation, missiles were not implicitly mentioned, let alone biological warfare, and while it is true I did witness the 150 foot missiles in the distribution area, I did not have my glasses on and assumed they were just really big tubes of toothpaste. I have now resigned my position with them, though I feel obliged that I cannot, for legal reasons, withdraw from the paid...

  Thank you to my constituents for sticking with me during the recent issues. Now they have been resolved, and I am once again a free man, I would like to address some of the issues raised. I do feel I should address certain ‘incidents’ which may have been misrepresented. As to the matter of my alleged sexual impropriety. While it is true I known for my tactile method of management, I did not photograph my buttocks and send the results to younger members of staff. There is absolutely no proof those were my cheeks, and the alleged fact it came from my email cannot be constituted as proof. The accompanying text ‘get a load of these sexy buns!’ is not something I have ever or am likely to ever say. The mere coincidence I was seen with no trousers on, laughing at my desk while pressing send is simply that; as is the testimony that I was seen wiping down the photocopier the same afternoon. I would also like to apologise to my intern, Sian, who claimed I had wandered into her office...

It is with a certain degree of sadness I am waking up this morning to accusations I bullied members of my team. Let me assure you, I have never and more importantly, don’t intend to bully any staff member. I know these accusations have been made anonymously, but I would like to know who, exactly, made these complaints. I have never shown the slightest inclination to harass any of my support staff. Not even Gerald, who God knows is asking for it. That inane smirk the man has, it’s ripe for a punching. Many’s the time I have been tempted to get him in a headlock and pummel away; but I am a professional and I have resisted. Oh, the days I have romanced the notion of flattening that little mushroom nose to a pulp, and then slapping him about until he struggles no more. But I has to show restraint. With my position comes responsibility and I have no wish for a replay of what happened at Beaulieu Motor Museum. Bullying is very serious. I take it very seriously. I am one person you will not ...

I would like to thank everyone who has been in touch over the past few weeks, the constituents, fellow MPs and the Police, about recent events. I would like to apologise to everyone concerned, those who were offended by the coverage in the media. I now accept that although I believe competitive events to be for the good, fighting at an old persons' bingo night is not acceptable. Especially the gentleman in the wheelchair. I was not aware that tazering electrified wheelchairs, and the memory of his smouldering in the corner is something I will not quickly forget. I also now fully accept it was not a wise political move to set my dogs on Mrs Arnage, and that those dogs were not the most suitable to take to a bingo night. Apart from these issues it was a delight to attend this local event.

Firstly, I would like to thank my election team, my assistant, my assistants' assistant and all their assistants for their help with my campaign. They have all been wonderful to work with, as has my wife Natalie and my Mistress Ms Dominator. They really put their backs into this election, and Ms Dominator actually put her back out, which allowed me more time on the campaign trail, so thank you to her. I would like also to thank my opponant, Frank Dowe, Laura Snichel, Richard Trite and Garry Jones for running campaigns that were not only well managed but a challenge to overcome. But overcome it I and my team did. And it is with that I say suck it up, losers. I would also like to pay particular tribute to my most vocal opponent in this election, Liam Stringer, whose passing in that freak indoor hanglider electrocution shooting we still puzzle over. I know several of the local constabulary are looking into the exact circumstances, but I am sure it will resolve within three to four w...