Sir Montgomery Browne-Envelope MP

  Good morning to my constituents. And may I say the hour I spent at St Gordon’s Jumble Sale was one of the most pleasant hours I have spent in a while. I do hope you raised a great deal for the hospital wing, and I am sorry I was very firm about my fee. This morning I would like to address the scandal regarding Mr Gosling. As you know, Mr Gosling has been in the papers recently after revelations. Let me be clear; I despise any act of sexual activity which hasn’t been consented to or paid for. Anything else is off the table. Or on the table if the money is right. The accusations are very flimsy, and we must not rush to judgement on them; after all, one of the main tenets of our country is a person is innocent until proven guilty. Yes, there are witnesses. Yes, there is audio. Yes, there are receipts, testimonies, CCTV and cellphone footage. But we must not jump to conclusions. I have known Peregrine for over twenty years, and only ever seen him act inappropriately when drunk o...

 Good morning to my constituents from the location of the Party Conference. It’s been a packed week up here, and I have been working very hard on your behalf. Things don’t just happen. And I have been working hard on things. And they will happen. Let me tell all of my day up here. 8am Breakfast in the hotel bar with the Secretary of State, where I put the case for investment in to the towns in a robust manner. In fact, talk about Dutch courage! I made so much sense I was asked to leave. Poor man thought I was after his job! 9am Meeting with John Berrol, one of the top businessmen in our constituency, in another hotel bar. We discussed the labour market, skills and needs of the local economy. I naturally asked him if it was true he was planning to close down his factory. His reply was such I can interpret it as a ‘no’, although it could be a yes. But I am going with ‘no’ simply because “**** off” can be taken several ways. We had reached a satisfactory conclusion and finish...

 I apologise for the lack of posting. This is due to a court proceeding concerning the possession of a lawn mower I have been accused of stealing from Graingers Garden Warehouse. I have of course denied all charges, but have been subject to a gagging order.

 Good morning to all my constituents this fine, sunny morning. I would like to firstly address the rumor put about by my opponents that my party, and particularly myself, have been taking credit for things over which we have little to no control. Firstly, we were the first people to congratulate India on their recent Moon mission. Whilst I fully accept offering plaudits is completely different from actual involvement in the project, it was appreciated and therefore clearly elevates our involvement to one of near immersion in this historic event. We also have a number of trained astronauts, capable of at least conquering this frontier. This clearly puts us into the pilot’s seat of the project. I well remember my honourable friend pointing at the Moon in a restaurant in Derby, thereby providing valuable navigation, plus all the figures on the dials and computer readouts were in English, so it really is a British success story. Then there was the Womens’ World Cup. As you know...

 Thank you once again to my constituents for the warm welcome I received at my recent surgery I held in the Village Hall. I appreciate some of you thought it was the monthly jumble sale, but those of you who did hang around I am grateful for your attendance. Especially Esmee, who I hope will be very happy with her purchases. Many of you asked about Doris Nadine, who has been absent from both the House and the local constituency for some considerable time. Let me assure you she is okay; she has been busy working on your behalf, fact finding what it is like to present a television programme, how it feels to write a column in a newspaper and, of course, her primary objective to discover, on your behalf, just how sunny it is in Marbella, Majorca, Trinidad, The Maldives, Turkey, Cyprus and Florida. And let me tell you, her findings may surprise you. I don’t think I am breaking any confidence when I tell you her report on such matters features the words ‘warm enough’ quite heavily. ...

 Hello constituents! Once again I address you in my weekly update as to what I am doing in your community, for you, in Parliament. I write to you from The Canary islands, where myself and my researcher, Felicity, are on a fact find mission to discover whether exotic holidays are good for your health. Unfortunately, whilst engaged in this research, someone took it upon themselves to call the papers and, as you may have read, it’s lead to both embarrassment and humiliation for myself and Felicity. No parent should ever have to see pictures of their daughter in that situation, especially in a jacuzzi, but people will assume the worst. Let me tell you now, it was far from the worst. Holidays are vastly important to people. Almost every letter I get mentions holidays or taking time off in one way or another. I find, as I get older, I need time to concentrate on constituents’ issues, and to fully focus I need to get some distance from the issues. In Paris. Or Cairo. Or New York City....

 I was shocked at the resignation of Rex Bickers last week. As many of you know, Rex and I had been working on some projects together for the community. I had been attempting to widen the scope of the foodbanks, while Rex was concentrating his efforts on single mothers. Rex has decided to go back to his original career, making polish for door knobs. And I wish him and Bicker’s Polish good luck. I first met Rex at a party meeting in Salisbury. He was arguing with a protestor. Rex was very passionate about his beliefs, and I fondly stopping Rex kicking the young man before he lost consciousness. While the emergency services dealt with ‘the accident’ Rex and I went for a drink in the bar. Over the next six hours or so, we bonded as friends, and, despite starting from opposing views, by the time we were denied service we had aligned our opinions and views and decided to continue our meeting of minds in Hot Sal’s Sauna and Massage. It was shortly after that I met his lovely...

 Good morning to all my constituents, and thank you once again for your correspondence. Many of you have asked when my next surgery will be, and in answer I have to tell you I am unsure; at the moment we have mislaid the pin code for the door, and should we enter the wrong one, I am told the consequences would be too terrible to contemplate. I will be holding surgeries soon, have no fear. As you know I am working twenty four hours a day for our area; negotiating funds for those crossings, chasing up the plans for the new museum and, obviously making sure we are on schedule for out Winston Churchill Memorial Ski Slope. I met with the developers, Mr Joseph and Mr Meake, and they assured me all was going to plan, however, due to a banking error their accounts are currently frozen, and so the hundred million pounds set aside for the project was unavailable. This is absolutely awful news for the area and those employed in the development, for they shall surely be unable to afford t...

 Good morning constituents and firstly I do hope you had an excellent 4 th of July. I myself spent it quietly with my family in another house. I am afraid Lady Browne-Envelope read some of the unwarranted accusations concerning ‘that massage’. I will address that now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a massage. Nothing filthy or degrading about it. A reputable Masseuse will see to all your needs, and should have you have needs which the Masseuse cannot fulfil because of training or experience, then it is perfectly natural she will call in another Masseuse who can carry out the instructions. Or in this particular case, three Masseuses. As to the quotes, yes, I may have made some comments which *could* have been misconstrued. Let me assure you, I have been a subscriber to the service provided at Damp Damsels Massage Parlour, and I was making reference to the length of my membership at the establishment and nothing more. Also, the word ‘throbbing’ related to a very stif...

  I would like to address… oh, hello constituents… I would like to address my comments about the access to the NHS which were reported in the press recently. I’ve received a lot of communication about it, much of which I have passed on to the local constabulary. Firstly, my comments about nurses. While the phrases quoted may well have demeaned the excellent work they do, this was not the intention. I would therefore like to offer a retraction and a donation to charity for ‘Sexy babes’, ‘stocking clad temptresses’, ‘uniformed dominatrix’ and, of course, the word ‘knockers’. I now accept these were wholly inappropriate. But there’s another matter, reported, which I would like to apologise for. Mrs Suzy Peglar, who was very kind to me at my recent visit to the local Hospital Lauren find out the name of the hospital which is very dear to my heart. What I meant was I was fascinated with human biology, and had I been allowed to finish the sentence, rather than cradle my bruised che...

  I would like to address some of the matters constituents have mentioned to me in the course of my recent MP Surgery. I would like to address, first, Ms Grainger of Dewbury Street who came to see me, anonymously, about the crime in the area. For too long people in this district have felt unable to go out due to the thugs, muggers, gangs and perverts. Indeed, my mailbag is literally bulging with letters of complaint about the issue. I haven’t actually opened any of them, but I am sure they are all of a similar nature. Let me start by saying the Police do not ‘waste their time’ as so many claim. I was speaking to the Chief Constable while we were playing Golf, and he denied any time was wasted. In fact, he called a meeting of all the officers in his force, and we hammered out these matters over four days. We were so pleased with the consultation, as a reward, we gave everyone the weekend off. Which was unfortunate timing, given Saturday night’s armed robbery. I appreciate so...

  I would thank you all once again for your continued support; I am aware some of my recent campaigns have been less than popular; I would like to thank Chorten Riot Police for handling those complaints. The Chorton bypass is a project which is close to my heart. Bridging Naughton and Wallop with one road will reduce congestion and aid businesses with both customer attendance and delivery logistics. I would like to think my comments at the planning meeting were constructive. However, certain parties with a grudge have decided that discussions between our twelve man and one woman board can be leaked to media. This is unacceptable. I am not going to name the person, I am above petty acts of revenge or malice, but I would advise she stops immediately. I did not, at any time, suggest knocking down the childrens home. Nor did I consider they all be assigned to work in a garment factory I have an interest in. I merely said that the property the youngsters are in is not fit for pu...

 Once again I think you all for your continued support. These have been understandably difficult times; I am, as ever, indebted to my wife, who has stood by me during the recent controversy. Of course, to avoid the constant eye of the press she is living elsewhere. I would also like to thank all my constituents, who have been very vocal in what I assume is their support. When I took the second job with the corporation in question, I was unaware of their business practices. WellSprings Biological Warfare Missiles limited never told me exactly what they did. Even on a visit to their premises as part of the negotiation, missiles were not implicitly mentioned, let alone biological warfare, and while it is true I did witness the 150 foot missiles in the distribution area, I did not have my glasses on and assumed they were just really big tubes of toothpaste. I have now resigned my position with them, though I feel obliged that I cannot, for legal reasons, withdraw from the paid...

  Thank you to my constituents for sticking with me during the recent issues. Now they have been resolved, and I am once again a free man, I would like to address some of the issues raised. I do feel I should address certain ‘incidents’ which may have been misrepresented. As to the matter of my alleged sexual impropriety. While it is true I known for my tactile method of management, I did not photograph my buttocks and send the results to younger members of staff. There is absolutely no proof those were my cheeks, and the alleged fact it came from my email cannot be constituted as proof. The accompanying text ‘get a load of these sexy buns!’ is not something I have ever or am likely to ever say. The mere coincidence I was seen with no trousers on, laughing at my desk while pressing send is simply that; as is the testimony that I was seen wiping down the photocopier the same afternoon. I would also like to apologise to my intern, Sian, who claimed I had wandered into her office...

It is with a certain degree of sadness I am waking up this morning to accusations I bullied members of my team. Let me assure you, I have never and more importantly, don’t intend to bully any staff member. I know these accusations have been made anonymously, but I would like to know who, exactly, made these complaints. I have never shown the slightest inclination to harass any of my support staff. Not even Gerald, who God knows is asking for it. That inane smirk the man has, it’s ripe for a punching. Many’s the time I have been tempted to get him in a headlock and pummel away; but I am a professional and I have resisted. Oh, the days I have romanced the notion of flattening that little mushroom nose to a pulp, and then slapping him about until he struggles no more. But I has to show restraint. With my position comes responsibility and I have no wish for a replay of what happened at Beaulieu Motor Museum. Bullying is very serious. I take it very seriously. I am one person you will not ...

I would like to thank everyone who has been in touch over the past few weeks, the constituents, fellow MPs and the Police, about recent events. I would like to apologise to everyone concerned, those who were offended by the coverage in the media. I now accept that although I believe competitive events to be for the good, fighting at an old persons' bingo night is not acceptable. Especially the gentleman in the wheelchair. I was not aware that tazering electrified wheelchairs, and the memory of his smouldering in the corner is something I will not quickly forget. I also now fully accept it was not a wise political move to set my dogs on Mrs Arnage, and that those dogs were not the most suitable to take to a bingo night. Apart from these issues it was a delight to attend this local event.

Firstly, I would like to thank my election team, my assistant, my assistants' assistant and all their assistants for their help with my campaign. They have all been wonderful to work with, as has my wife Natalie and my Mistress Ms Dominator. They really put their backs into this election, and Ms Dominator actually put her back out, which allowed me more time on the campaign trail, so thank you to her. I would like also to thank my opponant, Frank Dowe, Laura Snichel, Richard Trite and Garry Jones for running campaigns that were not only well managed but a challenge to overcome. But overcome it I and my team did. And it is with that I say suck it up, losers. I would also like to pay particular tribute to my most vocal opponent in this election, Liam Stringer, whose passing in that freak indoor hanglider electrocution shooting we still puzzle over. I know several of the local constabulary are looking into the exact circumstances, but I am sure it will resolve within three to four w...